Yup! yesterday I bought two full bags of lemons at superstore to do a little diet called the Lemon diet. I shall explain. Day 1 you squeeze 1 lemon into 1 glass of water, and down it, wait an hr before eating. Day 2 is 2 lemons in 2 cups water, day 3 is 3 & 3 etc up to day six. Day seven is 3 lemons in 10 cups water, and drink it throughout the day. Then the second week works backward. 6 5 4 3 2 1, done. And chances are, you'll continue on with occasional lemon water. To be honest I think the weight-loss aspect of this is all bogus, but I've been eating so much sugar that I decided the PH balancing in my system couldn't hurt. And on top of that, its a specific action every morning that reminds me that I am trying to be healthy. (As I sit here typing at 10:00 and eating a 1/2 a costco muffin... *cough!* hypocrate *cough!*)
I love planning healthy living... love living in the midst of it... hate starting it... really hate starting it... you know why? I figured it out this evening after having conflicting levels of support from friends on this... I dont think I am worth it. Now, bare with me, cause I have the head-heart knowledge to know better, but it doesnt change the heart, what the head knows...
Face it...
two babies, sleep deprevation and general life trials that we all face... life just aint the smooth ride we all thought it would be! And for me, I am an emotional eater! Lately (for the first time in my life) I have had a sweet tooth. yuck! sugar makes me feel so gross, but I just keep going back. Total addiction. My other addiction is eating until I am over-full.
I wish I knew where I was going with all of this...but I forget...
oh ya! I'm not worth it!
I remember when I was off dairy and soy and I looked good, felt good, ate well, didnt feel pressured to eat bad things and didnt miss them.... But now for some reason I keep telling myself I am not good enough to feel that way. I dont deserve to be healthy. I dont deserve to fight the cravings... In a way, its almost a form of self-harm... Like... I know that sugars and carbs, feed the cancer cells in your body (we all have cancer cells, just that most of our bodies get rid of them, and they dont over-power us. But when we lose that battle, thats when tumors grow) but I just dont seem to care anymore. I know carbs trigger fat storing hormones, but I just dont care. I stay up late watching TV for no reason other than "a break" (which.. a good extra couple hours sleep ought to count)
even as I type this, I am thinking to myself "why bother... just watch TV till you cant keep your eyes open...
maybe this is a form of PPD that I am unfamiliar with.. But my day to day moods are good, and I enjoy being around people, I love my children and feel very well bonded to them. But my self-care is atrocious and my self-worth is below bad... I guess it's the fulfillment of "I let myself go" or at least the mind-set that preceeds letting one's self go. I dont want to let myself go, but to be honest, I cant remember the last time I styled my hair (not sure I know how anymore lol). I dont wear accessories, and hardly ever even look in a mirror at what I am wearing. A brush is a tool that gets used before leaving the house, and showers are for gatherings and occur only at planned times when my husband is free to watch the kids.
let alone eating healthy and exercising.
I am starting a (what I hope isnt a mistake) business making home made body care products. and It eats up every spare moment of free time. Nap times used to be my crash or self-care time, but now thats my soap-making time (lye is dangerous, so i cant make soap when the kids are around). so Now I stay up late, and my mindset is suffering from my lack of sleep. And exercise seems a thing of impossibility (though I have decided to try exercising even just a little bit, before doing any business stuff in the afternoon). And devotions have been a thing of the past, that I am hoping to resurrect at bed time along with this blog....
well, thats my messed up and completely un-orderly thoughts for the night! Really hoping that planning my days and meals is going to help me sleep, get in touch with God and get active... all of which will likely totally change this mindset...so long as I can convince myself I am worth it just enough to follow through for a few weeks.... ugh... starting a journey...
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