Yup! yesterday I bought two full bags of lemons at superstore to do a little diet called the Lemon diet. I shall explain. Day 1 you squeeze 1 lemon into 1 glass of water, and down it, wait an hr before eating. Day 2 is 2 lemons in 2 cups water, day 3 is 3 & 3 etc up to day six. Day seven is 3 lemons in 10 cups water, and drink it throughout the day. Then the second week works backward. 6 5 4 3 2 1, done. And chances are, you'll continue on with occasional lemon water. To be honest I think the weight-loss aspect of this is all bogus, but I've been eating so much sugar that I decided the PH balancing in my system couldn't hurt. And on top of that, its a specific action every morning that reminds me that I am trying to be healthy. (As I sit here typing at 10:00 and eating a 1/2 a costco muffin... *cough!* hypocrate *cough!*)
I love planning healthy living... love living in the midst of it... hate starting it... really hate starting it... you know why? I figured it out this evening after having conflicting levels of support from friends on this... I dont think I am worth it. Now, bare with me, cause I have the head-heart knowledge to know better, but it doesnt change the heart, what the head knows...
Face it...
two babies, sleep deprevation and general life trials that we all face... life just aint the smooth ride we all thought it would be! And for me, I am an emotional eater! Lately (for the first time in my life) I have had a sweet tooth. yuck! sugar makes me feel so gross, but I just keep going back. Total addiction. My other addiction is eating until I am over-full.
I wish I knew where I was going with all of this...but I forget...
oh ya! I'm not worth it!
I remember when I was off dairy and soy and I looked good, felt good, ate well, didnt feel pressured to eat bad things and didnt miss them.... But now for some reason I keep telling myself I am not good enough to feel that way. I dont deserve to be healthy. I dont deserve to fight the cravings... In a way, its almost a form of self-harm... Like... I know that sugars and carbs, feed the cancer cells in your body (we all have cancer cells, just that most of our bodies get rid of them, and they dont over-power us. But when we lose that battle, thats when tumors grow) but I just dont seem to care anymore. I know carbs trigger fat storing hormones, but I just dont care. I stay up late watching TV for no reason other than "a break" (which.. a good extra couple hours sleep ought to count)
even as I type this, I am thinking to myself "why bother... just watch TV till you cant keep your eyes open...
maybe this is a form of PPD that I am unfamiliar with.. But my day to day moods are good, and I enjoy being around people, I love my children and feel very well bonded to them. But my self-care is atrocious and my self-worth is below bad... I guess it's the fulfillment of "I let myself go" or at least the mind-set that preceeds letting one's self go. I dont want to let myself go, but to be honest, I cant remember the last time I styled my hair (not sure I know how anymore lol). I dont wear accessories, and hardly ever even look in a mirror at what I am wearing. A brush is a tool that gets used before leaving the house, and showers are for gatherings and occur only at planned times when my husband is free to watch the kids.
let alone eating healthy and exercising.
I am starting a (what I hope isnt a mistake) business making home made body care products. and It eats up every spare moment of free time. Nap times used to be my crash or self-care time, but now thats my soap-making time (lye is dangerous, so i cant make soap when the kids are around). so Now I stay up late, and my mindset is suffering from my lack of sleep. And exercise seems a thing of impossibility (though I have decided to try exercising even just a little bit, before doing any business stuff in the afternoon). And devotions have been a thing of the past, that I am hoping to resurrect at bed time along with this blog....
well, thats my messed up and completely un-orderly thoughts for the night! Really hoping that planning my days and meals is going to help me sleep, get in touch with God and get active... all of which will likely totally change this mindset...so long as I can convince myself I am worth it just enough to follow through for a few weeks.... ugh... starting a journey...
Friday, February 19, 2016
Thursday, January 28, 2016
day one of the rest of my life
It's a funny thing, private thoughts... some people like to keep them private. And I would like to think I am that way, but the truth is, I find a paper journal incredibly dull! The idea of someone FINDING that paper journal on the other hand, is quite exciting. It's like... I'd like to have my private thoughts discovered... heard or understood if you will... perhaps even treasured. But I also don't want to simply broadcast them all over facebook and mass-emails etc... so maybe a discrete and unknown blog is the way to go! Plus my hand-writing in a journal is illegible at best, and I think pretty fast, so typing really is the way to go.
I came to a conclusion yesterday...I think TV is a creation of Satan's. I have tried several times, and I have looked at other view points but I keep coming back to two things.
1) any time I WOULD have spent with Jesus, i am wasting on TV
2) TV turns my brain all mushy, desensitizes me to reality and distorts my views of reality.
So basically, even AT ITS BEST! Passion of the christ, Fireproof, Left Behind best, it's time I am not praying or in the word, and it's time I am spending being de-sensitized to reality. The fact that I can sit through a visualization of my savior's crucifixion without ending up prostrate on the floor, convulsing in horror and worshipful awe, is a testament to the desensitizing nature of it all. The fact that seeing world-vision kids doesnt bother me anymore, or hearing about disasters or shootings is sort of like a "I ought to feel sad now" instead of genuine trauma, is a sign of the desensitization that has occurred in my own mind.
And my son?? well, he doesnt play pretend or read storeys, he just watches them on TV. and when he IS playing pretend, it's just re-inacting tv shows... yuck.
I can see satan grinning from ear to ear as millions of us are sucked into the tv, losing our senses, falling farther from God, telling ourselves that we need tv to relax (when we need God to really rest). And when we are left un-rested, we watch more tv. and once that TV has over-stimulated us enough we pass out and call it sleep. Then we work our way through the day again, so that we can spend those few short hours at night, watching our favorite stories again on TV...
once a week we all gather with our small groups or friends and all share about how noble and sacrifical our lives are and how we dont have time for devotions anymore and how life is so exhausting...the reality is, most of us have a good 2 hours we could be devoting to Jesus each and Every day, but we dont...
We get sucked into TV. We sit there, while our brains disintigrate, we forget about our lives, and our God for a short while. And eventually when we're so far gone we forget how to really seek God properly, Satan casts us aside like the filth he thinks we are.
But God has other plans. God can always redeem what is lost. He's all-powerful! And he can forgive not only big sins, but repetative self-inflicted and well-knowing ones too. Those ones are almost worse than the kind you stumble into by accident I'd say (if they werent all equal in His eyes).
No... No I have yet to find a good thing for my brain about the TV, save for a few sermons I have watched. But even those, If I havent really applied them or watched them with other believers to discuss, then what good are they other than knowledge I am intentionally ignoring?
nope... i havent found one good thing about TV... So I am done.. And my kids are done (for as long as I can help it).
I am of course human, and fully expect to fail at this all-or-nothing endeavor. so dont sit on your high horse of tv watching and wait for me to fall, cause I will... and it'll be great God-wasting time of yours to sit and focus on my little butt. But as for me, I am gonna start today and choose to end my relationship with hollywood forever. I'm going to disapprove of my immediate family using it, and let them make their own choices on the matter. But I am going to empower myself in my role as the woman of this house. And As long as I have the power to set an atmosphere in this home, it is going to be an atmosphere conducive to the holy spirit, and not one that gives satan ANY authority.
I have a lot of changes I want to make this year. And being a zombie to the tv (Which I admit is far more likely for the stay at home mom than for others)is just stopping me from achieving any of them... So today I cut josiah off... and it was aweful... total withdrawl and not knowing what to do with himself... I admit i watched tv this afternoon cause I was so frazzled...baby steps. I'll get him through the witdrawl and then do me tomorrow I guess... :( one day at a time...
over and out for today.
I came to a conclusion yesterday...I think TV is a creation of Satan's. I have tried several times, and I have looked at other view points but I keep coming back to two things.
1) any time I WOULD have spent with Jesus, i am wasting on TV
2) TV turns my brain all mushy, desensitizes me to reality and distorts my views of reality.
So basically, even AT ITS BEST! Passion of the christ, Fireproof, Left Behind best, it's time I am not praying or in the word, and it's time I am spending being de-sensitized to reality. The fact that I can sit through a visualization of my savior's crucifixion without ending up prostrate on the floor, convulsing in horror and worshipful awe, is a testament to the desensitizing nature of it all. The fact that seeing world-vision kids doesnt bother me anymore, or hearing about disasters or shootings is sort of like a "I ought to feel sad now" instead of genuine trauma, is a sign of the desensitization that has occurred in my own mind.
And my son?? well, he doesnt play pretend or read storeys, he just watches them on TV. and when he IS playing pretend, it's just re-inacting tv shows... yuck.
I can see satan grinning from ear to ear as millions of us are sucked into the tv, losing our senses, falling farther from God, telling ourselves that we need tv to relax (when we need God to really rest). And when we are left un-rested, we watch more tv. and once that TV has over-stimulated us enough we pass out and call it sleep. Then we work our way through the day again, so that we can spend those few short hours at night, watching our favorite stories again on TV...
once a week we all gather with our small groups or friends and all share about how noble and sacrifical our lives are and how we dont have time for devotions anymore and how life is so exhausting...the reality is, most of us have a good 2 hours we could be devoting to Jesus each and Every day, but we dont...
We get sucked into TV. We sit there, while our brains disintigrate, we forget about our lives, and our God for a short while. And eventually when we're so far gone we forget how to really seek God properly, Satan casts us aside like the filth he thinks we are.
But God has other plans. God can always redeem what is lost. He's all-powerful! And he can forgive not only big sins, but repetative self-inflicted and well-knowing ones too. Those ones are almost worse than the kind you stumble into by accident I'd say (if they werent all equal in His eyes).
No... No I have yet to find a good thing for my brain about the TV, save for a few sermons I have watched. But even those, If I havent really applied them or watched them with other believers to discuss, then what good are they other than knowledge I am intentionally ignoring?
nope... i havent found one good thing about TV... So I am done.. And my kids are done (for as long as I can help it).
I am of course human, and fully expect to fail at this all-or-nothing endeavor. so dont sit on your high horse of tv watching and wait for me to fall, cause I will... and it'll be great God-wasting time of yours to sit and focus on my little butt. But as for me, I am gonna start today and choose to end my relationship with hollywood forever. I'm going to disapprove of my immediate family using it, and let them make their own choices on the matter. But I am going to empower myself in my role as the woman of this house. And As long as I have the power to set an atmosphere in this home, it is going to be an atmosphere conducive to the holy spirit, and not one that gives satan ANY authority.
I have a lot of changes I want to make this year. And being a zombie to the tv (Which I admit is far more likely for the stay at home mom than for others)is just stopping me from achieving any of them... So today I cut josiah off... and it was aweful... total withdrawl and not knowing what to do with himself... I admit i watched tv this afternoon cause I was so frazzled...baby steps. I'll get him through the witdrawl and then do me tomorrow I guess... :( one day at a time...
over and out for today.
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